Looking back on 2014

Well, here we are. 2014's curtain call.

I am proud of many things which happened this year, which I'd like to share with you:

- In January, I did a one month 500 word per day writing challenge (Paltry sounding, I know, especially for WriMo's!). Switiching from NaNoWriMo to something less intimidating proved highly successful, as I wrote more and discovered more about myself than in any previous writing challenge. If you think this might be a good fit for your writing goals, go sign yourself up!

- In March, my son (then 18 months) and I braved a 9-hour drive to Cavallino-Treporti, Italy (just outside of Venice) for a three-day religious leadership conference. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done with my child, and I regret nothing. Check out my blog post on my biggest take-away from that experience - to show up. 

- In early April, I received the one compliment that radically altered the remainder of my year, both emotionally and professionally: "You are an experienced writer." (I've elaborated more on this soon) But let's just say, that comment is what kept me off this blog for so long, and I really shouldn't have let it.

- In July, I took a visit back to the place I called home almost all my life. It's not home anymore, and after three years, I am finally ok with that. I could give lots of hugs and Swiss chocolate to all my dear American friends, and I could take big strides towards assuring the longterm wellbeing of one of my three precious boys. I'll tell you more about him soon.

- In September, our family underwent some major changes. My husband took the exams which edged him over the threshold between student and practicing doctor. Days later, we hastily finished packing up our belongings and moved north to a town twelve times smaller than our previous city, a quaint and distinctly old-world European town with a river running through. Life is slower here, and people take their time. We weren't so sure about this place at first, but now we love it. Also, our son turned two. No small milestone, as my fellow Mamas can attest to!

- The last few months boast smaller achievements. I supported my husband as he began his first real job as an Assistant Doctor. My son and I, in baby steps, came to know and love our new home. I chose to be open, to put myself out there in meeting people (usually in a language I'm still very new to) and making connections. In a short time, I have already met some amazing people and am sincerely looking forward to what comes next.

I'm proud of the courage I worked up this year - to travel, to introduce myself to new people, to assert myself, my abilities and my needs. I'm proud of my growing self-confidence as I share my thoughts and ideas. I'm proud of each effort I have made to step out of the familiar and comfortable.

I'm not proud of the moments I caved in to self-pity and panic, when I gave in to the little voice that egged me on, saying "Do it. Be melodramatic. Let these molehills be mountains. You'll feel better," only to discover that I would feel worse after. I'm not proud of the moments when I chose to be an unsupportive wife, an impatient Mama, a needy attention leech. I'm not proud of the moments when I let myself collapse at the feathery touch of a single critical or dissenting remark. 2015 brings with it much to work on.

I hope to make 2015 a year of strength, of steadfast serenity, of resting in the surety of love. I hope to dig deeper, to be unafraid of the learning process, to ask lots of questions and to spend lots of time listening as well. And I hope to serve you, my readers, with words that nourish, inspire and motivate. 

Have a wonderful New Years' Eve and New Years' Day 2015!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

Nope. Never.

But some acquaintances inevitably fall backwards into our memory as time or distances expands between them and us. We eventually make the choice, conscious or otherwise, to maintain the relationship or to (as my cheesiest and favorite new series of 2014 declared,) "make like Elsa and let it go."
(That's the only Frozen reference you'll ever see me make, I promise!)

While it has appeared that I have applied said Frozen reference to this blog, I am here to declare today that it is not the case.

Why? Because this blog is too important to fade into oblivion.

If it were simply about me, my cute little life with my cute little family, then it's nobody's loss if the internet were to hold less of my words. But while this blog was driven to conception by my own struggles, I have come to more profoundly understand how much these struggles are shared. By some of you readers, but also by an untold number of Mamas out there who might be feeling incredibly alone in that struggle.

If this humble vessel of words can in some way serve those women, those unsung soldiers of patience and spit-up and diapers... well, that's not something to just abandon, now is it?

Thank you, dear readers, for sticking with me this far.

May 2015 be a surging current of serving words!

What`s Your Default Setting?

A few days ago I developed an obnoxious case of sore throat. You know the kind: when it`s painful to swallow anything, and the more you speak the worse it gets.

This irritated me to no end (and not just my throat), because of course a sore throat would come just days before the performance for which I have been training for over six months. And of course it would come while my husband is still himself unwell, having just injured his shoulder, and can therefore do little to take care of me.

The more I thought about these frustrations, the more things I found to be frustrated about. Of course my son chose this week to be more messy and loud than normal, of course this week there are a dozen unfinished tasks needing attention, of course there is a mountain of dishes while my husband and I, both feeling like invalids, silently wait and see who will cave in and clean up (spoilers: it is always me).

But the other day, while laying in bed willing myself to get up, I had a thought. Is everything really as bad as I perceive it to be? Or is some inner battle coloring my perception?

As I gave that idea attention, I finally acknowledged something that I have been avoiding for a long time: I am a pity-holic.

When I am in need of my pity fix, I hover around the house like a heavy fog, with a long face and a tendency to exaggerate everything that troubles me. I do it because I am looking for love, for appreciation of all the hard work I do, and for help and support.

But instead of asking clearly for those things, my requests take the form of seeking pity. And the more I approach things in this way, the harder it is to exist from a place of joy.

Which leads me to the opening question: What is your Default Setting?

I think we can all agree that our normal way of functioning should stem from happiness, right? We go about our lives, things are good, we are happy. Something is hard, or goes wrong, we are less happy. We struggle, we learn, we grow and overcome the struggle, we return to happiness. Isn`t that how the story is supposed to go?

Today, I need to confess to you that lately my default setting has not been happiness. It has been moping, stalling and pity-seeking. And when we choose to let ourselves exist in this way, the story goes like this: We are unhappy. Something goes wrong, we are even less happy. With a low likelihood of getting motivated enough to change, we stay unhappy, hoping something outside of us will Deus Ex Machina our story and save the day.

And that just doesn`t work.

We write our story. We choose the emotional settings with which we function. No one else makes those choices for us. I am sorry to admit that I wasted several days waiting for someone else to make me feel better, when the one person who could was right there all along.

And now, she`s figured it out.

So, tell me. What is your Default Setting nowadays? Are you happy with it? If not, what can we (because we here at BIAM are on your team!) do to change it?

Happy week :)

Contentment

Last night, as I lay in bed, I found myself feeling something highly unusual. 

Most nights, I easily spend my final waking moments worrying about something, or feeling uneasy about the direction my life has taken, and often feeling sorry for myself. 

Tonight, I lay there listing the things that had been accomplished, noticing the smile on my face and the glow in my heart. There was no spectacular reason for such things, it had been an ordinary day. Nothing I had achieved had been so special.

Somehow today I noticed the good things more. And the more I appreciated them, the more they seemed to bloom around me. Feeling that way surprised myself.

We feel pressure to never be satisfied with ourselves, because that would mean getting comfortable, and settling for low achievements when this war torn world needs us to think and be bigger. We feel like we always have to be wrestling with ourselves. But I can attest to the truth that never sitting back and lovingly acknowledging the good of the now, can strip us of our energy, our life source. 

We`ve heard it all before, but it`s worth saying again. To give, we must have something to give. Giving to yourself replenishes us and and gives us the jolt we need to get back into the game of giving. 

Take a look at your life. Smile. Do a happy dance. You`re doing good.  

Perspective

When I switch out my everyday life eyes in exchange for my more objective eyes (and a camera is a great way to do so), I realize how lucky I am. I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, with a beautiful family, a stable lifestyle, and enough free time to spend a few moments here with you.

Too often we forget how great our lives are. We tend to drift afloat a sea of seemingly harmless negative thoughts. You know the ones I`m talking about. “Geez, the minute I clean the house it just gets dirty again, what`s the point?” or “He never compliments me, I guess I shouldn`t expect much from him” or “So much to do, so little time. When`s my chance to do what I really want?”

A good friend once told me, “Our minds are like a search engine. If we search for "reasons why my life isn`t good enough", it will produce a plenty of reasons. But it works just as well in reverse. The key thing with both, is that we decide what to search for.”

Am I an expert in eliminating the stress of raising kids? Do I have the secret to finding and pursuing a passion? NOPE, not even close. But I can tell you that remembering the power and the capacity our own minds have in determining how we view our lives, can be incredibly helpful. 

Because sometimes all we need is that little adjustment in perspective to find the clarity we seek. 

Letting Yourself Off the Hook

Some days, it`s better to not think too much about whatever bugs you. Today, instead of doing my usual bunch of errands and emails and things online, I decided to focus on my son. Just him and I.  

I chose to let the little things be bigger, like when we play catch and he runs after the ball shrieking with delight. Or how happy it makes him to read together. Or how he would spin me around in my office chair, and his giddy peals of laughter remind me so much of the one little boy that, during my pregnancy, I really hoped my son would someday resemble. All these moments would have been lost on me if I absentmindedly smiled and nodded at him while the rest of my mind remained stuck in my broken record of worries. 

So what if the dishes don't get done, or if we don't have a spectacular dinner tonight. So what if I don`t find all the answers I`m looking for. Today is going to be a day of moments. 

And you know what, some of those things happened anyway! The house stayed somewhat tidy, dinner turned out good... Being in the moment and choosing not to stress out resulted in being more fluid in my productivity, and helped to keep the perception of my worries from ballooning into something they do not have to be. 

Mamahood is tough work. And I`m sure you all have heard the phrase “Enjoy it, it passes so fast” more times than you would like to recall. But most clichés become cliché because there is something universally true about it., and this one is no exception.

Tuning out for a while from ever-present worries, and also from technology (seriously, I won`t be offended if this blog post actually compels you to close your laptop right now!) will help you to tune IN to what really matters: the loved ones who surround you.

So, go love them, and let their presence bring you love.

GO!

For more motivation to unplug, watch this brilliant poem entitled “Look Up"

On Showing Up

Last week I was invited to a conference for church leaders throughout Europe, which was held in Venice, Italy. This was the first time I had the chance to attend a leaders’ conference, and it was a pleasure to feel a part of something that big, that meaningful, and that full of potential to shape our church’s future.

I knew it would be a challenge to bring my eighteen month old son, without any family to help me. I knew I would face the toughest moments of the trip when my son would want to do the exact opposite of what my heart yearned for. Trumie didn’t disappoint - so of course I was disappointed.

As he pulled me through parking lots and along the street, determined to see and touch every car he could, I screamed inwardly "We're in ITALY! We didn't come here to see cars, we can see those at home!" At one point, I broke down in tears, wishing I could experience the event like everyone else.

But through it all, I knew that participating for only five percent - or even point-five percent - of the event was a whole lot more than nothing. Hastily handing someone a business card as my son tugs me away is much more productive than sitting at home imagining I were there.

As we left the conference, one woman encouraged me to "stay brave".  

I knew what she meant, and I knew why she meant it. Mothers of young children are often seen as life's benched participants - they may be talented, intelligent and capable, but they are expected to sit out of the big leagues until their little ones can be cared for by someone else. 

To those who think that way, I ask you: Who decided that? Who made those rules?

I believe that if we really want to win this game of life - of finding fulfillment, purpose and balance - we have to rewrite some of the rules. Because these rules were written by us, not by the higher power that created us. 

To all my fellow mamas of young children, I beg of you:

Show up. 

Let people see you show up. 

Because seeing you there, kid in tow, will slowly but profoundly change the way they see you. Even if you can only be available for one minute, even if you can have only one conversation and share just one thought or one idea, do it. 

Because to not do it, is to achieve less than nothing. Doing nothing is stepping back. It is waving your white flag to the universe, crying out “I give up! It's true, I really don't have it in me to become what I yearn to be." 

To which I say, hell NO!

The world needs who you are right now, this exact version of you. The one with the spit up stains on her shoulder, without immaculate hair and clothes, whose child always seems to want to be somewhere else. 

Your unique vantage point on the world is needed, because without you, how would we understand the world the way you see it? 

Also, do not be afraid to accept help. During the conference, some friends of mine started just stepping in and occupying my son when they could see I was engaged in a conversation. No questions asked. They knew that in that moment, they could help me, and that was a powerfully kind act on their part, because I was that much more free to connect with others. 

So when you see someone willing to lend a hand or spare a moment, let them. Don't fall into Mommy Martyr Mode, assuming that no one would ever want to bear the burden of your child. Guess what: they might actually enjoy it!

Likewise, when you see someone struggling with something that you could help them with, do it. I think we all know how the Golden Rule works, right?

If we all make these small but brave choices when confronted with difficulties, I guarantee you: this world is gonna change. Conferences and leaders' events will become more family friendly, and all you Mamas feeling stuck on the sidelines can stand up, shine your light, and LEAD! 

And the world will be so much better for it.

A note on waiting

I am waiting for the grand day when I am free to really, truly, become what I am meant. to be. 

I am waiting for the day when I can once again think a complete thought, write a complete paragraph, do a complete action, without my baby’s cries or my husband’s TV watching tugging my attention away. 

I am waiting for the day I can choose the trajectory of my life, to choose points A and B, and the means by which I traverse those points. 

I am waiting for the day when I can finally find clarity in who I am, when I can settle into my chosen identity, and when I can flourish In my me-ness.

I am waiting for the day when I can speak words of truth and love and compassionate power, and stand strong with my two feet planted in sureness of what I believe.

I am waiting for that golden morning of lasting inner peace, of radiance from within out onto every decision I make, and of tranquil nights of muscles relaxing and eyes closing in full satisfaction, knowing that the day was truly lived. 

And yet, as my aching heart tearfully hands word after word to my waiting fingertips, a little voice from somewhere sits, watching, shaking its head. It knows that what I yearn for needs not to be waited for. 

It knows that those tiny moments of grace - those nap times and unexpected waking while baby still dreams, those calm walks in the park where his little hand wraps around my finger, and he looks up and smiles at me, just because - those moments matter. 

They are so easily lost in the surging currents of “not enough-ness” that can flood our days with feelings of panic, of disconnection, of loss.

We panic because life isn’t what we expected. We disconnect with this moment now. We lose moments that are overflowing with grace, thrusting them aside in pursuit of something else - a something else that, in wanting it now, we drift ever farther from.

I am waiting for the day when I can find peace in what IS, when I learn to carry today’s harvest - however small - into tomorrow’s feast. 

And that is something which I don’t have to wait for.

Beautiful moments are happening right now. Even the waiting moments can be beautiful - life changing, even - we see them as they are meant to be seen.

When we stop seeing waiting as a burden or a chore, and instead choose to see it as a moment, pure and true, a moment dripping with fullness and life, then we too become full. 

That fullness becomes something that we can share, even in something as little as a smile to a passing stranger. It multiplies, it gains strength, and it gives life. 

It can change the world, but only if we choose to let it in.

So here I am, trying. Waiting, with my heart’s arms open. 

Vulnerable. 

But hopeful. 

----

This post is inspired by a fantastic book called The In-Between, by Jeff Goins. If you are feeling stuck in an "In-Between" moment in your life, definitely give it a read!

Should we really be following "Do What You Love, Love What You Do?"

A friend recently shared an article from Slate Magazine, entitled “Stop Saying ‘Do What You Love, Love What You Do.’ It Devalues Actual Work.” 

Intrigued, I gave it a glance, which became a read, which became clicking to the second page (how often do we actually read articles spanning multiple pages anymore?!), which became a moment paused in reflection. 

How often have I found my own heart dancing to the rhythm of those words? Will those words lead us to that wistful destination we so often dream of - a place of healthy work-life balance and true, profound fulfillment for not only ourselves, but for everyone?

Before I elaborate, let me break this article down for you TL;DR-ers:

The author, Miya Tokumitsu, argues that the notion of “Do What You Love” or DWYL for short is an ideal encouraged by those of privilege, those who can spring for advanced degrees, who can get help from parents or spouses while slaving away at unpaid internships, doing it as a “labor of love” in anticipation for that glorious future when they can earn income by doing what feels good and authentic to their passion. 

Those who have no choice but to wait tables, stock shelves or pick crops are most likely not doing that work out of some great love of the work; they do it because they have to, and by society continuing to idealize the lifestyle of DWYL, they are choosing to turn a blind eye to jobs and workers without which and whom our infrastructure would crumble. 

As I lay in bed, article in hand, helping my little one drift off to sleep, I couldn’t help but examine my own career aspirations which, yes, have been motivated by that golden mantra. I mean, who doesn’t want to make money doing something that they love, something that feels custom fitted to their essence? Even after reading this article, I maintain that this is a good aspiration.

What this article taught me is that, nice as dream as DWYL is, it is a dream offered to the privileged. 

How often do you think of yourself as privileged? If you have internet access in your home, if you have a bank account containing more than you or your spouse’s most recent paycheck, if you have numerous choices for tonight’s dinner plans, you are privileged. If you have nurtured dreams of writing or teaching or creating for a living, you are privileged. Even more so if your family supports you in having those dreams. 

Regardless, we as Mothers know a thing or two about Doing What You Love and Loving What You Do. If we didn’t, we would not survive the days upon months upon years of being a hair’s width away from insanity, and then seeing our little one smile or say, “I love you, Mama,” and suddenly wondering why we were angry in the first place. If anyone knows about DWYL, it’s us. 

Tokumitsu gets that. She argues that the DWYL mantra has helped perpetuate gender-based pay inequality, stating that many feminized industries - fashion, art, education - thrive by exploiting women in low-paying positions, tantalizing them with doing the labor “for the love of it.” She suggests that this continues because women have always been sacrificers, and are thus used to being paid in feelings.

What’s your take on the article? Do you agree with the author? Is its possible to utilize DWYL in a healthy way? Sound off below!

500 Words a Day Challenge - A Persuasive Piece

“Oh, but she has kids.”

I heard this phrase more times today than I would have liked. It was often accompanied by a slight sigh, and a wistful dragging out of the last word, letting it hang in the air, compelling listeners to collectively dwell on the same toxic thought - What if she hadn’t? Then maybe her potential wouldn’t be wasted. But oh well. Moving on to the next young hopeful...

Perhaps one of the things that got me the most flustered, is that this all took place at a meeting for the Women’s Federation for World Peace, a very good organization committed to empowering women and re-establishing the traditional family as the cornerstone of a peaceful world.

One of the organization’s leaders, a mentor of mine, coined the term “familiarchy” to replace the terms of patriarchy and matriarchy. Rather than settling for one or the other gender to dominate societal infrastructure, as both the majority of history and the more recent feminist movement have fallen into the trap of doing, the much better solution is to revive the family unit - mother, father, children, grandchildren - treating the entire unit as society’s top priority.

It made me so sad to hear that tired old phrase coming from the mouths of people who so desire to improve things for women, and for the family at large. But I wasn't angry at any of them, because I realized that they did not say it consciously. It is something we have all heard over and over again, and if you hear it often enough, you begin to believe it. I found myself angry at the society we live in, which has trained us to view mothers of young children as life's “benched” participants. That because of their tremendous responsibilities at home raising their little ones, they are no longer capable of utilizing their talents, skills, knowledge and experiences to serve anything beyond the kitchen sink or the playground. 

This is desperately untrue.

Perhaps now more than ever, women have an abundance of resources to offer themselves in service to global needs. The biggest and best example is the internet and its complementary technology, with products like the iPad and smart phones. The ability to blog, to self-publish, to cultivate an online presence and connect with a worldwide online community from virtually anywhere is something our foremothers could only have dreamed of.

Women not only have the option of seeking help, support and understanding from other women in the same situation, they have the option to be that support. Thousands of mothers have taken to the blogosphere, sharing their experiences and knowledge with anyone interested, and the results have been astounding. Some of the most compelling bloggers have created a means of entrepreneurship, selling their resources in the forms of books, online courses and other materials. This is an incredible model that many more could harness.

Beyond self-gain, the internet and other media can also be better utilized by organizations like the one I mentioned above. By better establishing their online presence with more modern elements like blogging or multimedia content, such organizations would not only have a new way to extend their help to unnecessarily disenfranchised women, but they could give those women the means to contribute more freely, particularly in roles less affected by location or work schedule, such as writing, editing, accounting, media production and social media management.

In short: having kids doesn't mean a woman is no longer competent. If she wants to, she can still do plenty to help the world.

Of course, this doesn't mean that simply handing a mom an iPad with 3G will magically enable her to become a fulltime webmaster or media producer. What I think those women above meant to say was, "it's not easy juggling kids with other commitments," to which I would loudly respond, "HELL YES." 

And this is an area that needs real consideration.

Part of the reason why we believe mothers of young children are unable to do bigger things is that our social and business infrastructure is completely unsuitable for these women. By making "the bottom line" the bottom line instead of the family, an entire group of highly contributive individuals has been marginalized. Mothers - women with deep intuition and an instinct to lovingly do what is best for her family - have much to share with areas like the business or political spheres, which have long been imbalanced by testosterone-driven values like competition and assertiveness, and could use a motherly touch to set them right.

We - be it our families, our organizations or our businesses - must wake up to the reality that serving the needs of the family will also serve the needs of the larger group, and would nourish these groups in ways that money alone cannot. Society would be in a much healthier, more balanced state if the family were placed where it ought to be - above our financial worth.

To summarize, we as a society need to let go of the thoughts and practices which hold us - and especially the mothers among us - back. By taking advantage of the tools we already have and by engaging more resources in service to the needs of families, we can empower women to summon all of their beautiful abilities in creating a new world - one which all of us can enjoy together.

The 500 Words a Day Challenge!

Hello everyone,

Jeff Goins, who hosts a brilliant blog for writing advice, has started up a 500 Words a Day Challenge for the month of January. I have been going at it for a few days now, and I have to say, I write much more freely and with far greater results when I have a smaller goal! This is the piece I wrote today; I may backtrack and post more pieces from previous days.

This piece, based on a prompt by Jeff, is a letter to my child:

My dear Baby,

You are so beautiful and pure. Your smile illuminates a room, and your unadulterated joy when you discover something interesting brings the little girl in me back out too. I love spending my days with you - who wouldn’t want to fill their days with such sweet, true love?

As I watch you breathe in all the curiosities and wonders of this big world, I catch myself already thinking of when I will send you off to school, or to let you play with the other kids in the playground. I think of the days when you will go join your friends for an afternoon of play once school lets out for the summer, and the day you head off to college. I think of those days, and I get scared. 

Your sweet little mind would probably wonder, why is Mama afraid? Aren’t those things good too? Is she afraid she’ll miss me? Of course, that is a part of it. I know I will miss you when you become more independent (and I remind myself of that on days when I’ve spent maybe a little too much time with you). But there is another part to this fear, this worrying. I want to try my very best to fill your heart with love, with trust, with the habit of always acknowledging the goodness in people. I want to help you hang onto your glorious wonder that I see whenever you exclaim “CAR!” every time you see anything with wheels, your compassion that I see when you hug your doll and study his face, your sweet smile when you get to know new people - keeping all these beautiful qualities will help you grow into such a wonderful young man, the kind we wish we would see more of in this world. 

It is exactly that - this world - that fears me. I fear that those boys you go off and play with will teach you things that contradict the beauty and goodness in this world. I don’t fear the boys themselves; it would be hypocritical for me to ask you not to judge people, and then judge them myself. But sometimes other children can be cruel, and they can make you feel bad or weird or wrong to do or think certain things, like to enjoy being with your Mama and Papa, or to not like guns, or to not want to pick anyone to have a crush on, because you’d rather relate to people as brothers and sisters. I’m scared that, out of an intense desire to be accepted and included, that you might exclude me and Papa from your life, or you might decide to hide away the best parts of yourself, all in the name of “being cool” or “being a man.” 

I can’t bear to lose you, not only for my own sake, but for yours. Please, my love, do not ever compromise yourself just to fit in. Of course, I don’t want you to ever feel alone, though it will probably happen at some point. But you know what? In those moments, there might be other boys and girls who feel alone too, because what they’re scared to admit is, they think and feel just like you. They don’t want to laugh at the kid that seems different. They don’t want to have boyfriends or girlfriends. They want to share their love of science or show off their stamp collection, but they worry that other kids will think it’s stupid. Those kids feel alone too. 

Here’s where you come in, my love. When you have the courage to let your You-ness shine brightly, you give others the courage to do the same. And when those kids find it within themselves to be brave like you, and step forward in their Them-ness, then they don’t have to feel alone anymore. And neither will you.

So please, don’t buy into the messages you will hear (and I’m so sorry, but you will hear them whether I let you or not), whether they come from mouths or screens or eyes or hands. Messages that tell you to assert yourself through force, or through anger, or through apathy. Don’t let those messages strip you, bit by bit, of your divine essence. If you do, you will wake up years later, forgetting most of the names of the people you tried so hard to impress, and wishing you could remember yourself. The true you. 

Let’s be true, together. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

Love,

Mama