You may have noticed that there's a very particular blog entry which I have not posted yet.
That's because I've been avoiding it like the plague.
You remember that four-word phrase which is not to be named on this blog? (The one the blog is named after?) Well, it's an incredibly handy phrase to use in avoiding the fact that I am so, so insecure about what my passions are. But after reading a fantastic post about how the most crucial step to take is the first, I'm mustering up the courage to talk about this with you.
My dance with passion started out simple enough, with its sights set on one clear thing: horses. I read about, dreamed about, drew, collected toys of and eventually rode horses from age 5 until about 17, when the trainer I worked for in exchange for free riding lessons 'laid me off'. Riding was way too expensive to continue on my own, and while the desire to continue remained (still does, in fact), my attention shifted to less expensive pursuits.
My church had a theatre group which I joined at age 12, and by the time I couldn't continue riding, I had worked my way up to writing scripts and directing the other participants. Most of these scripts were about as hokey as they come, but I developed a lot of pride in my work. Watching actors from behind the curtain as they speak your lines is a unique feeling, and it opened my eyes to the thrill - and the responsibility - of being a producer of something.
Around the time I was getting a bit too old for children's theatre, a new passion came along which again changed my concepts. I followed my friends in joining a nonprofit organization which uses the performing arts to educate young people about HIV/AIDS, and promotes abstinence as the best cure for this major pandemic. At the time, I was beginning to feel that the arts could be used for something more significant than self-gratification, which it was achieving very much for me. Once I became aware of the severity of HIV, and the massive potential the arts have to affect change, I was sold. I worked in a leadership position in the organization during high school, then volunteered full-time for one year before starting college. I traveled across the US and to numerous different countries to perform and to train other young people to start their own performing teams.
My time with this organization, and the insights culled from that time, inspired me in choosing my two majors in college: peace studies and film. I was absolutely smitten with the idea of reversing pop culture's trends in hypersexualization and violence, and harnessing the arts and the media in the pursuit of global peace.
Upon graduating, I had zero clue as to how I would achieve my goal, but I happy-go-luckily assumed that the universe would embrace my dreams and guide me on my quest.
Then life happened.
Now here I am, three years later: living in Europe, married, with a baby, and (due to both my parents passing away) responsible for all my family's affairs including the care of my special needs brother, who still lives in the US. My days are filled with cooking and cleaning while my husband is at med school, patiently holding my son's hands as he learns to walk, trying to keep him away from dangers and waiting for him to fall asleep so I can pay bills and fill out forms for my brother's Medicaid.
When I think of what I once dreamed of being, of doing, something inside me shrinks back. I struggle with the conflicting ideas of "my life is too hard to continue believing that I can still be that person" versus "I can still be that passionate person, as soon as I become better at ____", "It's too late" versus "I'm not brave enough, smart enough, strong enough, disciplined enough."
Both of these things are wrong.
Yes, I can still be that passionate person. It's NOT too late.
But I already am enough.
Yes, it will require some creativity and discipline to carve out the time and energy for these things, but those skills aren't somewhere out of reach. What's not needed is bullying myself into attaining new skills, it's shifting my paradigm to discover that the needed skills are already here.
So, down to the bottom line. My passion? It's a mixture of everything from the past and present: creating, performing, serving others, examining the media and considering how it could be used for positivity rather than for selfishness and harm, creating a healthy media landscape for family members of all ages, and using the arts to open the hearts of humanity, helping us all to come back home to who we as the human race are at our essence - gloriously good, peaceful people.
I wrote this entry months ago, but I've finally worked up the courage to share it. I'd love for you to share your dreams too, starting with below in the comments! Believe me, it's worth working up the courage for.
