What`s Your Default Setting?

A few days ago I developed an obnoxious case of sore throat. You know the kind: when it`s painful to swallow anything, and the more you speak the worse it gets.

This irritated me to no end (and not just my throat), because of course a sore throat would come just days before the performance for which I have been training for over six months. And of course it would come while my husband is still himself unwell, having just injured his shoulder, and can therefore do little to take care of me.

The more I thought about these frustrations, the more things I found to be frustrated about. Of course my son chose this week to be more messy and loud than normal, of course this week there are a dozen unfinished tasks needing attention, of course there is a mountain of dishes while my husband and I, both feeling like invalids, silently wait and see who will cave in and clean up (spoilers: it is always me).

But the other day, while laying in bed willing myself to get up, I had a thought. Is everything really as bad as I perceive it to be? Or is some inner battle coloring my perception?

As I gave that idea attention, I finally acknowledged something that I have been avoiding for a long time: I am a pity-holic.

When I am in need of my pity fix, I hover around the house like a heavy fog, with a long face and a tendency to exaggerate everything that troubles me. I do it because I am looking for love, for appreciation of all the hard work I do, and for help and support.

But instead of asking clearly for those things, my requests take the form of seeking pity. And the more I approach things in this way, the harder it is to exist from a place of joy.

Which leads me to the opening question: What is your Default Setting?

I think we can all agree that our normal way of functioning should stem from happiness, right? We go about our lives, things are good, we are happy. Something is hard, or goes wrong, we are less happy. We struggle, we learn, we grow and overcome the struggle, we return to happiness. Isn`t that how the story is supposed to go?

Today, I need to confess to you that lately my default setting has not been happiness. It has been moping, stalling and pity-seeking. And when we choose to let ourselves exist in this way, the story goes like this: We are unhappy. Something goes wrong, we are even less happy. With a low likelihood of getting motivated enough to change, we stay unhappy, hoping something outside of us will Deus Ex Machina our story and save the day.

And that just doesn`t work.

We write our story. We choose the emotional settings with which we function. No one else makes those choices for us. I am sorry to admit that I wasted several days waiting for someone else to make me feel better, when the one person who could was right there all along.

And now, she`s figured it out.

So, tell me. What is your Default Setting nowadays? Are you happy with it? If not, what can we (because we here at BIAM are on your team!) do to change it?

Happy week :)

Contentment

Last night, as I lay in bed, I found myself feeling something highly unusual. 

Most nights, I easily spend my final waking moments worrying about something, or feeling uneasy about the direction my life has taken, and often feeling sorry for myself. 

Tonight, I lay there listing the things that had been accomplished, noticing the smile on my face and the glow in my heart. There was no spectacular reason for such things, it had been an ordinary day. Nothing I had achieved had been so special.

Somehow today I noticed the good things more. And the more I appreciated them, the more they seemed to bloom around me. Feeling that way surprised myself.

We feel pressure to never be satisfied with ourselves, because that would mean getting comfortable, and settling for low achievements when this war torn world needs us to think and be bigger. We feel like we always have to be wrestling with ourselves. But I can attest to the truth that never sitting back and lovingly acknowledging the good of the now, can strip us of our energy, our life source. 

We`ve heard it all before, but it`s worth saying again. To give, we must have something to give. Giving to yourself replenishes us and and gives us the jolt we need to get back into the game of giving. 

Take a look at your life. Smile. Do a happy dance. You`re doing good.  

Perspective

When I switch out my everyday life eyes in exchange for my more objective eyes (and a camera is a great way to do so), I realize how lucky I am. I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, with a beautiful family, a stable lifestyle, and enough free time to spend a few moments here with you.

Too often we forget how great our lives are. We tend to drift afloat a sea of seemingly harmless negative thoughts. You know the ones I`m talking about. “Geez, the minute I clean the house it just gets dirty again, what`s the point?” or “He never compliments me, I guess I shouldn`t expect much from him” or “So much to do, so little time. When`s my chance to do what I really want?”

A good friend once told me, “Our minds are like a search engine. If we search for "reasons why my life isn`t good enough", it will produce a plenty of reasons. But it works just as well in reverse. The key thing with both, is that we decide what to search for.”

Am I an expert in eliminating the stress of raising kids? Do I have the secret to finding and pursuing a passion? NOPE, not even close. But I can tell you that remembering the power and the capacity our own minds have in determining how we view our lives, can be incredibly helpful. 

Because sometimes all we need is that little adjustment in perspective to find the clarity we seek. 

Letting Yourself Off the Hook

Some days, it`s better to not think too much about whatever bugs you. Today, instead of doing my usual bunch of errands and emails and things online, I decided to focus on my son. Just him and I.  

I chose to let the little things be bigger, like when we play catch and he runs after the ball shrieking with delight. Or how happy it makes him to read together. Or how he would spin me around in my office chair, and his giddy peals of laughter remind me so much of the one little boy that, during my pregnancy, I really hoped my son would someday resemble. All these moments would have been lost on me if I absentmindedly smiled and nodded at him while the rest of my mind remained stuck in my broken record of worries. 

So what if the dishes don't get done, or if we don't have a spectacular dinner tonight. So what if I don`t find all the answers I`m looking for. Today is going to be a day of moments. 

And you know what, some of those things happened anyway! The house stayed somewhat tidy, dinner turned out good... Being in the moment and choosing not to stress out resulted in being more fluid in my productivity, and helped to keep the perception of my worries from ballooning into something they do not have to be. 

Mamahood is tough work. And I`m sure you all have heard the phrase “Enjoy it, it passes so fast” more times than you would like to recall. But most clichés become cliché because there is something universally true about it., and this one is no exception.

Tuning out for a while from ever-present worries, and also from technology (seriously, I won`t be offended if this blog post actually compels you to close your laptop right now!) will help you to tune IN to what really matters: the loved ones who surround you.

So, go love them, and let their presence bring you love.

GO!

For more motivation to unplug, watch this brilliant poem entitled “Look Up"

On Showing Up

Last week I was invited to a conference for church leaders throughout Europe, which was held in Venice, Italy. This was the first time I had the chance to attend a leaders’ conference, and it was a pleasure to feel a part of something that big, that meaningful, and that full of potential to shape our church’s future.

I knew it would be a challenge to bring my eighteen month old son, without any family to help me. I knew I would face the toughest moments of the trip when my son would want to do the exact opposite of what my heart yearned for. Trumie didn’t disappoint - so of course I was disappointed.

As he pulled me through parking lots and along the street, determined to see and touch every car he could, I screamed inwardly "We're in ITALY! We didn't come here to see cars, we can see those at home!" At one point, I broke down in tears, wishing I could experience the event like everyone else.

But through it all, I knew that participating for only five percent - or even point-five percent - of the event was a whole lot more than nothing. Hastily handing someone a business card as my son tugs me away is much more productive than sitting at home imagining I were there.

As we left the conference, one woman encouraged me to "stay brave".  

I knew what she meant, and I knew why she meant it. Mothers of young children are often seen as life's benched participants - they may be talented, intelligent and capable, but they are expected to sit out of the big leagues until their little ones can be cared for by someone else. 

To those who think that way, I ask you: Who decided that? Who made those rules?

I believe that if we really want to win this game of life - of finding fulfillment, purpose and balance - we have to rewrite some of the rules. Because these rules were written by us, not by the higher power that created us. 

To all my fellow mamas of young children, I beg of you:

Show up. 

Let people see you show up. 

Because seeing you there, kid in tow, will slowly but profoundly change the way they see you. Even if you can only be available for one minute, even if you can have only one conversation and share just one thought or one idea, do it. 

Because to not do it, is to achieve less than nothing. Doing nothing is stepping back. It is waving your white flag to the universe, crying out “I give up! It's true, I really don't have it in me to become what I yearn to be." 

To which I say, hell NO!

The world needs who you are right now, this exact version of you. The one with the spit up stains on her shoulder, without immaculate hair and clothes, whose child always seems to want to be somewhere else. 

Your unique vantage point on the world is needed, because without you, how would we understand the world the way you see it? 

Also, do not be afraid to accept help. During the conference, some friends of mine started just stepping in and occupying my son when they could see I was engaged in a conversation. No questions asked. They knew that in that moment, they could help me, and that was a powerfully kind act on their part, because I was that much more free to connect with others. 

So when you see someone willing to lend a hand or spare a moment, let them. Don't fall into Mommy Martyr Mode, assuming that no one would ever want to bear the burden of your child. Guess what: they might actually enjoy it!

Likewise, when you see someone struggling with something that you could help them with, do it. I think we all know how the Golden Rule works, right?

If we all make these small but brave choices when confronted with difficulties, I guarantee you: this world is gonna change. Conferences and leaders' events will become more family friendly, and all you Mamas feeling stuck on the sidelines can stand up, shine your light, and LEAD! 

And the world will be so much better for it.

A note on waiting

I am waiting for the grand day when I am free to really, truly, become what I am meant. to be. 

I am waiting for the day when I can once again think a complete thought, write a complete paragraph, do a complete action, without my baby’s cries or my husband’s TV watching tugging my attention away. 

I am waiting for the day I can choose the trajectory of my life, to choose points A and B, and the means by which I traverse those points. 

I am waiting for the day when I can finally find clarity in who I am, when I can settle into my chosen identity, and when I can flourish In my me-ness.

I am waiting for the day when I can speak words of truth and love and compassionate power, and stand strong with my two feet planted in sureness of what I believe.

I am waiting for that golden morning of lasting inner peace, of radiance from within out onto every decision I make, and of tranquil nights of muscles relaxing and eyes closing in full satisfaction, knowing that the day was truly lived. 

And yet, as my aching heart tearfully hands word after word to my waiting fingertips, a little voice from somewhere sits, watching, shaking its head. It knows that what I yearn for needs not to be waited for. 

It knows that those tiny moments of grace - those nap times and unexpected waking while baby still dreams, those calm walks in the park where his little hand wraps around my finger, and he looks up and smiles at me, just because - those moments matter. 

They are so easily lost in the surging currents of “not enough-ness” that can flood our days with feelings of panic, of disconnection, of loss.

We panic because life isn’t what we expected. We disconnect with this moment now. We lose moments that are overflowing with grace, thrusting them aside in pursuit of something else - a something else that, in wanting it now, we drift ever farther from.

I am waiting for the day when I can find peace in what IS, when I learn to carry today’s harvest - however small - into tomorrow’s feast. 

And that is something which I don’t have to wait for.

Beautiful moments are happening right now. Even the waiting moments can be beautiful - life changing, even - we see them as they are meant to be seen.

When we stop seeing waiting as a burden or a chore, and instead choose to see it as a moment, pure and true, a moment dripping with fullness and life, then we too become full. 

That fullness becomes something that we can share, even in something as little as a smile to a passing stranger. It multiplies, it gains strength, and it gives life. 

It can change the world, but only if we choose to let it in.

So here I am, trying. Waiting, with my heart’s arms open. 

Vulnerable. 

But hopeful. 

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This post is inspired by a fantastic book called The In-Between, by Jeff Goins. If you are feeling stuck in an "In-Between" moment in your life, definitely give it a read!

Should we really be following "Do What You Love, Love What You Do?"

A friend recently shared an article from Slate Magazine, entitled “Stop Saying ‘Do What You Love, Love What You Do.’ It Devalues Actual Work.” 

Intrigued, I gave it a glance, which became a read, which became clicking to the second page (how often do we actually read articles spanning multiple pages anymore?!), which became a moment paused in reflection. 

How often have I found my own heart dancing to the rhythm of those words? Will those words lead us to that wistful destination we so often dream of - a place of healthy work-life balance and true, profound fulfillment for not only ourselves, but for everyone?

Before I elaborate, let me break this article down for you TL;DR-ers:

The author, Miya Tokumitsu, argues that the notion of “Do What You Love” or DWYL for short is an ideal encouraged by those of privilege, those who can spring for advanced degrees, who can get help from parents or spouses while slaving away at unpaid internships, doing it as a “labor of love” in anticipation for that glorious future when they can earn income by doing what feels good and authentic to their passion. 

Those who have no choice but to wait tables, stock shelves or pick crops are most likely not doing that work out of some great love of the work; they do it because they have to, and by society continuing to idealize the lifestyle of DWYL, they are choosing to turn a blind eye to jobs and workers without which and whom our infrastructure would crumble. 

As I lay in bed, article in hand, helping my little one drift off to sleep, I couldn’t help but examine my own career aspirations which, yes, have been motivated by that golden mantra. I mean, who doesn’t want to make money doing something that they love, something that feels custom fitted to their essence? Even after reading this article, I maintain that this is a good aspiration.

What this article taught me is that, nice as dream as DWYL is, it is a dream offered to the privileged. 

How often do you think of yourself as privileged? If you have internet access in your home, if you have a bank account containing more than you or your spouse’s most recent paycheck, if you have numerous choices for tonight’s dinner plans, you are privileged. If you have nurtured dreams of writing or teaching or creating for a living, you are privileged. Even more so if your family supports you in having those dreams. 

Regardless, we as Mothers know a thing or two about Doing What You Love and Loving What You Do. If we didn’t, we would not survive the days upon months upon years of being a hair’s width away from insanity, and then seeing our little one smile or say, “I love you, Mama,” and suddenly wondering why we were angry in the first place. If anyone knows about DWYL, it’s us. 

Tokumitsu gets that. She argues that the DWYL mantra has helped perpetuate gender-based pay inequality, stating that many feminized industries - fashion, art, education - thrive by exploiting women in low-paying positions, tantalizing them with doing the labor “for the love of it.” She suggests that this continues because women have always been sacrificers, and are thus used to being paid in feelings.

What’s your take on the article? Do you agree with the author? Is its possible to utilize DWYL in a healthy way? Sound off below!