Looking back on 2014

Well, here we are. 2014's curtain call.

I am proud of many things which happened this year, which I'd like to share with you:

- In January, I did a one month 500 word per day writing challenge (Paltry sounding, I know, especially for WriMo's!). Switiching from NaNoWriMo to something less intimidating proved highly successful, as I wrote more and discovered more about myself than in any previous writing challenge. If you think this might be a good fit for your writing goals, go sign yourself up!

- In March, my son (then 18 months) and I braved a 9-hour drive to Cavallino-Treporti, Italy (just outside of Venice) for a three-day religious leadership conference. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done with my child, and I regret nothing. Check out my blog post on my biggest take-away from that experience - to show up. 

- In early April, I received the one compliment that radically altered the remainder of my year, both emotionally and professionally: "You are an experienced writer." (I've elaborated more on this soon) But let's just say, that comment is what kept me off this blog for so long, and I really shouldn't have let it.

- In July, I took a visit back to the place I called home almost all my life. It's not home anymore, and after three years, I am finally ok with that. I could give lots of hugs and Swiss chocolate to all my dear American friends, and I could take big strides towards assuring the longterm wellbeing of one of my three precious boys. I'll tell you more about him soon.

- In September, our family underwent some major changes. My husband took the exams which edged him over the threshold between student and practicing doctor. Days later, we hastily finished packing up our belongings and moved north to a town twelve times smaller than our previous city, a quaint and distinctly old-world European town with a river running through. Life is slower here, and people take their time. We weren't so sure about this place at first, but now we love it. Also, our son turned two. No small milestone, as my fellow Mamas can attest to!

- The last few months boast smaller achievements. I supported my husband as he began his first real job as an Assistant Doctor. My son and I, in baby steps, came to know and love our new home. I chose to be open, to put myself out there in meeting people (usually in a language I'm still very new to) and making connections. In a short time, I have already met some amazing people and am sincerely looking forward to what comes next.

I'm proud of the courage I worked up this year - to travel, to introduce myself to new people, to assert myself, my abilities and my needs. I'm proud of my growing self-confidence as I share my thoughts and ideas. I'm proud of each effort I have made to step out of the familiar and comfortable.

I'm not proud of the moments I caved in to self-pity and panic, when I gave in to the little voice that egged me on, saying "Do it. Be melodramatic. Let these molehills be mountains. You'll feel better," only to discover that I would feel worse after. I'm not proud of the moments when I chose to be an unsupportive wife, an impatient Mama, a needy attention leech. I'm not proud of the moments when I let myself collapse at the feathery touch of a single critical or dissenting remark. 2015 brings with it much to work on.

I hope to make 2015 a year of strength, of steadfast serenity, of resting in the surety of love. I hope to dig deeper, to be unafraid of the learning process, to ask lots of questions and to spend lots of time listening as well. And I hope to serve you, my readers, with words that nourish, inspire and motivate. 

Have a wonderful New Years' Eve and New Years' Day 2015!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

Nope. Never.

But some acquaintances inevitably fall backwards into our memory as time or distances expands between them and us. We eventually make the choice, conscious or otherwise, to maintain the relationship or to (as my cheesiest and favorite new series of 2014 declared,) "make like Elsa and let it go."
(That's the only Frozen reference you'll ever see me make, I promise!)

While it has appeared that I have applied said Frozen reference to this blog, I am here to declare today that it is not the case.

Why? Because this blog is too important to fade into oblivion.

If it were simply about me, my cute little life with my cute little family, then it's nobody's loss if the internet were to hold less of my words. But while this blog was driven to conception by my own struggles, I have come to more profoundly understand how much these struggles are shared. By some of you readers, but also by an untold number of Mamas out there who might be feeling incredibly alone in that struggle.

If this humble vessel of words can in some way serve those women, those unsung soldiers of patience and spit-up and diapers... well, that's not something to just abandon, now is it?

Thank you, dear readers, for sticking with me this far.

May 2015 be a surging current of serving words!

What`s Your Default Setting?

A few days ago I developed an obnoxious case of sore throat. You know the kind: when it`s painful to swallow anything, and the more you speak the worse it gets.

This irritated me to no end (and not just my throat), because of course a sore throat would come just days before the performance for which I have been training for over six months. And of course it would come while my husband is still himself unwell, having just injured his shoulder, and can therefore do little to take care of me.

The more I thought about these frustrations, the more things I found to be frustrated about. Of course my son chose this week to be more messy and loud than normal, of course this week there are a dozen unfinished tasks needing attention, of course there is a mountain of dishes while my husband and I, both feeling like invalids, silently wait and see who will cave in and clean up (spoilers: it is always me).

But the other day, while laying in bed willing myself to get up, I had a thought. Is everything really as bad as I perceive it to be? Or is some inner battle coloring my perception?

As I gave that idea attention, I finally acknowledged something that I have been avoiding for a long time: I am a pity-holic.

When I am in need of my pity fix, I hover around the house like a heavy fog, with a long face and a tendency to exaggerate everything that troubles me. I do it because I am looking for love, for appreciation of all the hard work I do, and for help and support.

But instead of asking clearly for those things, my requests take the form of seeking pity. And the more I approach things in this way, the harder it is to exist from a place of joy.

Which leads me to the opening question: What is your Default Setting?

I think we can all agree that our normal way of functioning should stem from happiness, right? We go about our lives, things are good, we are happy. Something is hard, or goes wrong, we are less happy. We struggle, we learn, we grow and overcome the struggle, we return to happiness. Isn`t that how the story is supposed to go?

Today, I need to confess to you that lately my default setting has not been happiness. It has been moping, stalling and pity-seeking. And when we choose to let ourselves exist in this way, the story goes like this: We are unhappy. Something goes wrong, we are even less happy. With a low likelihood of getting motivated enough to change, we stay unhappy, hoping something outside of us will Deus Ex Machina our story and save the day.

And that just doesn`t work.

We write our story. We choose the emotional settings with which we function. No one else makes those choices for us. I am sorry to admit that I wasted several days waiting for someone else to make me feel better, when the one person who could was right there all along.

And now, she`s figured it out.

So, tell me. What is your Default Setting nowadays? Are you happy with it? If not, what can we (because we here at BIAM are on your team!) do to change it?

Happy week :)

Contentment

Last night, as I lay in bed, I found myself feeling something highly unusual. 

Most nights, I easily spend my final waking moments worrying about something, or feeling uneasy about the direction my life has taken, and often feeling sorry for myself. 

Tonight, I lay there listing the things that had been accomplished, noticing the smile on my face and the glow in my heart. There was no spectacular reason for such things, it had been an ordinary day. Nothing I had achieved had been so special.

Somehow today I noticed the good things more. And the more I appreciated them, the more they seemed to bloom around me. Feeling that way surprised myself.

We feel pressure to never be satisfied with ourselves, because that would mean getting comfortable, and settling for low achievements when this war torn world needs us to think and be bigger. We feel like we always have to be wrestling with ourselves. But I can attest to the truth that never sitting back and lovingly acknowledging the good of the now, can strip us of our energy, our life source. 

We`ve heard it all before, but it`s worth saying again. To give, we must have something to give. Giving to yourself replenishes us and and gives us the jolt we need to get back into the game of giving. 

Take a look at your life. Smile. Do a happy dance. You`re doing good.  

Perspective

When I switch out my everyday life eyes in exchange for my more objective eyes (and a camera is a great way to do so), I realize how lucky I am. I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, with a beautiful family, a stable lifestyle, and enough free time to spend a few moments here with you.

Too often we forget how great our lives are. We tend to drift afloat a sea of seemingly harmless negative thoughts. You know the ones I`m talking about. “Geez, the minute I clean the house it just gets dirty again, what`s the point?” or “He never compliments me, I guess I shouldn`t expect much from him” or “So much to do, so little time. When`s my chance to do what I really want?”

A good friend once told me, “Our minds are like a search engine. If we search for "reasons why my life isn`t good enough", it will produce a plenty of reasons. But it works just as well in reverse. The key thing with both, is that we decide what to search for.”

Am I an expert in eliminating the stress of raising kids? Do I have the secret to finding and pursuing a passion? NOPE, not even close. But I can tell you that remembering the power and the capacity our own minds have in determining how we view our lives, can be incredibly helpful. 

Because sometimes all we need is that little adjustment in perspective to find the clarity we seek. 

Letting Yourself Off the Hook

Some days, it`s better to not think too much about whatever bugs you. Today, instead of doing my usual bunch of errands and emails and things online, I decided to focus on my son. Just him and I.  

I chose to let the little things be bigger, like when we play catch and he runs after the ball shrieking with delight. Or how happy it makes him to read together. Or how he would spin me around in my office chair, and his giddy peals of laughter remind me so much of the one little boy that, during my pregnancy, I really hoped my son would someday resemble. All these moments would have been lost on me if I absentmindedly smiled and nodded at him while the rest of my mind remained stuck in my broken record of worries. 

So what if the dishes don't get done, or if we don't have a spectacular dinner tonight. So what if I don`t find all the answers I`m looking for. Today is going to be a day of moments. 

And you know what, some of those things happened anyway! The house stayed somewhat tidy, dinner turned out good... Being in the moment and choosing not to stress out resulted in being more fluid in my productivity, and helped to keep the perception of my worries from ballooning into something they do not have to be. 

Mamahood is tough work. And I`m sure you all have heard the phrase “Enjoy it, it passes so fast” more times than you would like to recall. But most clichés become cliché because there is something universally true about it., and this one is no exception.

Tuning out for a while from ever-present worries, and also from technology (seriously, I won`t be offended if this blog post actually compels you to close your laptop right now!) will help you to tune IN to what really matters: the loved ones who surround you.

So, go love them, and let their presence bring you love.

GO!

For more motivation to unplug, watch this brilliant poem entitled “Look Up"

On Showing Up

Last week I was invited to a conference for church leaders throughout Europe, which was held in Venice, Italy. This was the first time I had the chance to attend a leaders’ conference, and it was a pleasure to feel a part of something that big, that meaningful, and that full of potential to shape our church’s future.

I knew it would be a challenge to bring my eighteen month old son, without any family to help me. I knew I would face the toughest moments of the trip when my son would want to do the exact opposite of what my heart yearned for. Trumie didn’t disappoint - so of course I was disappointed.

As he pulled me through parking lots and along the street, determined to see and touch every car he could, I screamed inwardly "We're in ITALY! We didn't come here to see cars, we can see those at home!" At one point, I broke down in tears, wishing I could experience the event like everyone else.

But through it all, I knew that participating for only five percent - or even point-five percent - of the event was a whole lot more than nothing. Hastily handing someone a business card as my son tugs me away is much more productive than sitting at home imagining I were there.

As we left the conference, one woman encouraged me to "stay brave".  

I knew what she meant, and I knew why she meant it. Mothers of young children are often seen as life's benched participants - they may be talented, intelligent and capable, but they are expected to sit out of the big leagues until their little ones can be cared for by someone else. 

To those who think that way, I ask you: Who decided that? Who made those rules?

I believe that if we really want to win this game of life - of finding fulfillment, purpose and balance - we have to rewrite some of the rules. Because these rules were written by us, not by the higher power that created us. 

To all my fellow mamas of young children, I beg of you:

Show up. 

Let people see you show up. 

Because seeing you there, kid in tow, will slowly but profoundly change the way they see you. Even if you can only be available for one minute, even if you can have only one conversation and share just one thought or one idea, do it. 

Because to not do it, is to achieve less than nothing. Doing nothing is stepping back. It is waving your white flag to the universe, crying out “I give up! It's true, I really don't have it in me to become what I yearn to be." 

To which I say, hell NO!

The world needs who you are right now, this exact version of you. The one with the spit up stains on her shoulder, without immaculate hair and clothes, whose child always seems to want to be somewhere else. 

Your unique vantage point on the world is needed, because without you, how would we understand the world the way you see it? 

Also, do not be afraid to accept help. During the conference, some friends of mine started just stepping in and occupying my son when they could see I was engaged in a conversation. No questions asked. They knew that in that moment, they could help me, and that was a powerfully kind act on their part, because I was that much more free to connect with others. 

So when you see someone willing to lend a hand or spare a moment, let them. Don't fall into Mommy Martyr Mode, assuming that no one would ever want to bear the burden of your child. Guess what: they might actually enjoy it!

Likewise, when you see someone struggling with something that you could help them with, do it. I think we all know how the Golden Rule works, right?

If we all make these small but brave choices when confronted with difficulties, I guarantee you: this world is gonna change. Conferences and leaders' events will become more family friendly, and all you Mamas feeling stuck on the sidelines can stand up, shine your light, and LEAD! 

And the world will be so much better for it.